I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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