pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
