I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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