Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
