I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
