He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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