Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
