I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
