you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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