Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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