Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
We're too hungover to prance.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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