these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
