well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
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He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
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The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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