Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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