No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
