If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
