Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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