Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
