4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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