It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
