so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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