Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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