He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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