defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
