I think im going to throw up on grandma
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
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We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
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I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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