You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
