at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
