i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
