Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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