Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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