I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
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It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
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Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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