i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
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I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
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Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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