We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
