i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
