Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
