drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
