wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
