I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
