why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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