Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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