You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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