I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
