Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
