so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
