Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
