At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
