Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I lost the right to judge tonight
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
