last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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