I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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