My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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