I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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