im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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