The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Randomize
