Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
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I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
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Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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