There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
